My Tantrum About My Tantrums

Here's the thing. I just don't really have enough time to write...
I love writing, and I like the sense of accomplishment after I finish a piece. But predictably, after I start something new, I enter this vortex of actual schedule conflicts and the familiar self-doubt that cripples many of the halfway decent ideas I've ever had. I decided I need to make a few changes about what I'll allow myself to publish, and I'm sure it will be desperately interesting for me to explain myself.

Here is my perpetual cycle of how Katie kills flies with WMDs, or for those of you unfamiliar with the extents to which I can take a metaphor, how Katie takes a decent little idea and squashes it with disproportionate criticism until it fits into a new and potentially more suitable venture.


First, I get all amped up about an idea like, let's say, writing a blog:
I have so much to say! My commentary is entertaining and interesting! I can write good! So then I'll write a couple of posts, get a few "that was cools" and then I just cannot ignore the laundry or kids anymore and I have to get back to actual real life. Smugly, I tell myself I'll get back to it when... whatever. Because after all, I still have a pre-schooler at home with me most of the time, and he rarely naps anymore, so there's little consistency for a routine that includes tapping unsystematically at my laptop. So I delay writing, and delay and delay, until I can't remember why I wanted to write to begin with.

Then I get all philosophical:
Why am I doing this anyway? Why do I care if anyone reads my blog? Why do I think I need that kind of attention? Couldn't I just write reactionary things about whomever or whatever when I'm either elated or frustrated in my purple fuzzy diary with the lock and just let it go? (No, I don't have a purple fuzzy diary. It's red, and not fuzzy; what am I, 8?)

Enter self-destructive criticism. I'm very good at telling myself I'm bad:
For example, I thought I wanted to write a blog that was primarily funny and entertaining. Why did I tell myself I would try to focus on the funny? The reality is, there's a lot I'd like to write about that's not funny. But why would anyone want to read about that? What is the point? What is the meaning of life? Why are we even here? What if Horton doesn't find a good place to set our dust speck down?

Maybe I should just quit.

But finally, we have enlightenment and landing back on earth, which is not Horton's dust speck after all:
Here's the thing. I don't really have enough time to write... about only funny things.
Ultimately, I'm unwilling to cave to self-doubt completely, so while I might try to convince myself to quit a thing, I often end up just changing it. I can make sad things funny (laugh at my pain, blah, blah), but that just takes more time than I have. So, I'm not going to restrict myself to the boundaries I had previously set for myself. There's just no reason to do that in a blog called "Nice Little Tantrums" because of, you know, irony. The title can be literal or figurative, and I freaking love the figurative.

So, no more self-imposed boundaries. I have to throw tantrums that are my tantrums. If I have a different perspective than prevailing or emerging socially acceptable ideals, and that's very very very very very likely, then either stay for the sake of reading multiple and varying perspectives about stuff, or don't. I follow a few personal blogs, and I don't always agree with every word in them, but I like getting to know the authors. I like getting a little glimpse into what makes them think the way they do, and I think people in general, are pretty darn fascinating. If I didn't know I was talking about myself, I would think a Catholic, but also Jewish, former ballerina, married mother who struggles with depression and OCD, has five siblings, four children, an English degree and two sets of in-laws might have a sort of unique outlook on life. (Did you see that part? I have TWO sets of in-laws, people. TWO sets!)

-pause-

I'm very dramatic and over-analytical. Basically, I'm going to try and write and post more often about a broader variety of things. Ok?