Marrying into a Divorce: Part 2

I know, I know, I know. It's taken me forever to get back to this charming topic, because of reason reason reason reason. Anyhoo.

I ask Google everything. Back when I was teaching for an online university, if I thought something was plagiarized, I would place an entire sentence or more into the search bar, and sometimes, BAM, I would find a source containing some or even all of the sentence(s) I searched. It was much faster than using the plagiarism software we had.

Once I searched "What to Expect When You're Expecting a 16-Year Old," but it turns out nobody has written that book yet. (Btw here's what to expect: nothing that you expect to expect about parenting a teenager is guaranteed to really help you when you're parenting a teenager.)

I admit I was kind of surprised when I couldn't find any "top" web results about what it's like to have two sets of in-laws. I mean, it can't really be that uncommon for people who got married in the 90's to have grown up in a divorced household, right? There's a ton of stuff out there to read about step parents and step siblings and half siblings and most any combination of relationships that occur with divorces and remarriages. So why does a web search turn up nothing for the poor lucky extremely flexible always good-natured daughter-in-law who needs to build and maintain relationships with two totally distinct "sides" of in-laws?

I felt a little like an alien searching for others like me. There HAS to be somebody else out there whose spouse has two moms, two dads, and two entire sets of half-siblings who all happen to be exactly the same age.  Daughters like me, with a mother and a mother-in-law and a step-mother-in-law, have three chances at doing lots of things wrong, and that can really add up! We're a heavily scrutinized group! Somebody else has to have written about that!! Besides, there's nothing like reading about someone else's predicaments that helps me feel less whiny about my own. Kind of like how I feel about my own house after an episode of "Hoarders."

Seriously, if you've ever read anything from a double daughter-in-law like me, I'd  love to read it. Send it on over. Don't send me stuff about getting along with "a" mother in law. That stuff is fine. But for me, it's only applicable to the degree to which I am capable of splitting myself down the middle and trying to apply advice to two totally different mothers who've had two totally different impacts on my husband. It's pretty impossible.

So, fellow double daughter-in-laws, I have heard the question you didn't ask, and have written down some thoughts about our delicate balancing act.


1. If you have two mothers-in-law, it's likely that they couldn't possibly be more different from one another. You have two options:
Option 1: Split yourself down the middle. One half of you always has professional manicures, perfectly coordinated outfits and accessories, and fourteen sets of matching holiday towels. The other half of you cooks from scratch, sews your own curtains, cuts your own hair, and crochets baby blankets. Spend fifteen years like this.
Option 2: Toss that crappy option 1 out the window, and keep whatever you actually like. It's impossible to be a mini-version of each MIL just so that you have stuff to talk about or to gain approval. Stop trying. Just be you, even if it takes fifteen years to find out who the heck that is.

2. At around four years old, each of our kids begins trying to straighten out the various grandparent relationships. Eventually, we find ourselves in "explanation" mode, where we explain who is married to whom, who used to be married to whom, and which aunts/uncles came from which side. For us, "step parent" has never been a bad word or a term we've avoided. We use the prefix "step" often, and always have. My husband did not have any sort of "blending" growing up; he had two very distinct sides, and they were not one big blended whatever at all. He almost always called his stepparents on each side by their first names. So for us, and based on what he was accustomed to growing up, we use "real" terminology when explaining relationships to our kids.

Oh. And the kids will ask unsettling questions while they're figuring it all out. (See #3) No matter how positively you spin it, this conversation has always brought up sad little questions from our kids: what's a divorce, didn't they love each other, didn't they love daddy, etc. They always understand more than I think they will, but they also take the situation very personally. I generally handle the bulk of this conversation, because even after more than 35 years, my husband still gets a little rattled by it. You're going to have to gloss over details at your discretion, but in the end, be sure to emphasize that all their grandparents love them.

3. When (not if) your kids ask, "Am I going to have a step-mom or step-dad?" try to understand that this is not an irrational fear. It is the example set before them by most of their grandparents, whether anyone wants to admit or or not. People get irritated at me when I make the observation that a divorce impacts generations of family members, but after addressing this question over and over independently with each of my kids, I have no other reasonable conclusion. I have to be the buffer and quell my kids' fears that their parents will also get divorced. Thought: the best way for you to convince your kids that they need not fear a divorce is to set a daily example for them that you and your spouse will do whatever it takes to keep your marriage strong and permanent.

4. Double or triple holidays, birthdays, special occasions are only fun when you are 8. When you are doing the cooking or the hosting, or traveling to a relative's home, or any combination of either or both, double and triple time is a pain in the bahookie.

Simply alternating between three sides never works. I have made schedule after schedule for which "side" to spend whatever with and something always comes up that wrecks the plan. It's never fair enough, and it's never "even." We have gone to extraordinary lengths to try and split holiday time up fairly, and it usually ends up with me in tears at some point. I spent way to much time trying to make things "fair," and I often placed my own family's happiness dead last. Tip: you, your husband and your kids deserve holiday traditions, too. They deserve some predictability and stability. You don't have to be nomads if you don't want to be. The few holidays we've had with just the six of us have been amazing.

5. The whole MIL/DIL relationship has had plenty of scrutiny over the years. Can we get through one discussion about it withOUT bringing up Ruth and Naomi? I'm guessing their story is in the bible because it's, let's say, atypical. Here's a great article exploring the whole Ruth and Naomi thing.

Fellow double daughter-in-laws, you are excused from trying to live up to the Ruth/Naomi impossible standard. Don't choose which mother-in-law to be all Ruthy for. Sometimes people on each side unwittingly (or wittingly) reaaaaaaalllly want you to choose sides. Your words and actions will probably be misconstrued at some several points to make it look like you have "chosen" one side over the other, but that is probably not your fault. That's left over divorce crap that you are not responsible for, but unfortunately you still get to pay for it a once in a while. I feel for you.

For now, that's all the advice I have.
I know there's a popular saying about how you don't just marry your husband, you marry his whole family. But in reality, you literally married only your husband. It's great when we can navigate all the sides of our extended family in harmony, but sometimes that just doesn't happen. And if/when it doesn't, remember you married YOUR HUSBAND.  Then there's the whole man leaving his father and mother and woman leaving her home and they cling together bit... THAT'S what's important. Do that.

Two people in this picture. Not eight or eighteen or 45.

If you remember from Part One of my short series on marrying into a divorce, I mentioned that I was fascinated by a quote from a cultural anthropologist: "... there is no society in the world where people have stayed married without enormous community pressure to do so... ." I think I'll be ruminating on that quote for the third installment. It's painfully obvious to me that the "enormous community pressure" that I once took for granted is not so enormous anymore.

 In the meantime, anyone out there have a similar situation with two sets of in-laws? What about if both parents had remarriages and you're dealing with four sides? Do you just want to move to Mars sometimes or have you found ways to work it all out?